Telling a lie might solve a problem quickly, but maintaining a lie can be stressful and lead to long-lasting problems. Even small lies can snowball and grow bigger than you intended.
It is easy to forget how much it costs to maintain the habit when the results are temporarily positive. Some experts even suggest that telling lies can take a serious toll on your health and well-being.
In preliminary research conducted by Notre Dame researchers, people who decreased their lying experienced subsequent improvements in their health. While more research is needed to understand the connection, decreased stress is one factor that might play a role in explaining these benefits. Sometimes people lie because they think revealing their true feelings about something will lead to rejection.
What happens is that you then feel the need to maintain a facade to maintain those relationships. Because self-disclosure is an important part of close relationships, not being truthful also makes it harder to form meaningful connections with other people. You can only be truly honest when you are completely vulnerable with your feelings and experiences. When you lie about the past or present, it makes it hard to be open with others. People often describe themselves as good at spotting a lie; research suggests that people are actually surprisingly poor at detecting deception.
If and when people find that they have been deceived, they may feel hurt, manipulated, exploited, and betrayed. One important way to stop lying can be to identify the situations where you might be tempted to lie and think of alternatives ways to cope.
So what are some substitutes that you can use in place of lying? Map out some of the steps you will follow to start being more truthful from now on. If you are struggling to stop lying or if the behavior feels impulsive or out of control, consider talking to a mental health professional.
You should also consider talking to a therapist if lying has started to negatively impact your life, such as affecting your relationships, work, academics, or other aspects of your daily life. A therapist can help you understand if your behavior might be related to a mental health condition, explore the underlying reasons behind your dishonesty, and help you find new ways to cope that don't involve lying.
In cases where lying has affected your close relationships, you might consider couples counseling , family therapy , or group therapy to find ways to mend those connections. Try not to be too hard on yourself if you make mistakes. When you do slip up, work on rectifying the lie first by being honest and then move forward with the intent to do better in the future.
Remind yourself of the benefits of honesty, including better relationships and a greater sense of authenticity. Learn the best ways to manage stress and negativity in your life. Lie prevalence, lie characteristics and strategies of self-reported good liars. PLoS One. University of Rochester Medical Center. The truth about lying. DePaulo BM. The many faces of lies. In: Miller AG, ed. The Social Psychology of Good and Evil. Everybody else is doing it: exploring social transmission of lying behavior.
Effects of deception in social networks. Proc Biol Sci. Society for Personality and Social Psychology. The consequences of dishonesty. Published May 26, The brain adapts to dishonesty. Nat Neurosci. American Psychological Association. Nonetheless, people keep on lying. Lies are good if they allow us to avoid offending somebody. Children know , for example, that appearances matter in our society.
Studies show that beauty matters. Attractiveness brings with it advantages, from greater likeability to easier success in politics and business. Ultimately, white lies do more harm than good. Lying to each other prevents critical reflection and spurs distrust and mutual suspicion.
Honesty actually is the best policy. Being forthright about differences in physical attractiveness enables us to emphasize the fact that, although appearances do matter in our society, beauty does not define our worth. Lying reinforces the importance of good looks and leaves those of us with lesser natural endowments feeling devalued. Honesty also helps us grow through critical reflection. I have played trombone since I was in fourth grade. Those first three years I was awful; I was truly and unequivocally terrible at playing trombone.
It took me hearing a recording of myself playing to realize just how bad I was. Instead, just commit to being more truthful each day. You can make a different choice tomorrow.
If acquaintances, co-workers, or family members ask prying questions about your personal life, you might feel tempted to lie and get them off your back. They might fail to pick up your hints, remain invested, and have a harder time when you actually do reach the point of breaking up.
Everyone lies for unique reasons, says Kim Egel. She adds that some people might find the truth more distressing than the consequences of lying.
Discomfort with the truth can lead to lies that attempt to control or change a situation. Getting more comfortable with the truth often involves accepting a challenging or painful reality, perhaps even admitting you made a mistake.
Learning to accept the truth can be an ongoing process, but it often results in some valuable lessons. In some cases, white lies might even be encouraged as a common part of social interaction. Compulsive, or pathological , lying refers to a specific type of dishonesty. Compulsive behaviors are hard to stop on your own, and working with a therapist can make the process much easier. They can help you learn more about the underlying reasons behind your lying and help you stop. If you started lying to cope with a difficult childhood, for example, working through what you experienced could help you feel less of a need to lie.
Some people who lie compulsively believe their lies, which can make recognizing these lies somewhat difficult.
This is especially true if you find that lying is having a negative impact on your day-to-day life. Egel encourages taking action to seek support sooner rather than later. This can be particularly true with lies, which often build on each other and become increasingly complex and hard to keep track of. A therapist can offer compassion and support as you begin the process.
In therapy, you can also talk about your goals around honesty and get guidance if you continue to struggle with dishonesty. They can also help you rebuild trust with loved ones. Lying is a complex behavior that can serve a lot of functions. Worried about the cost? Our guide to therapy for every budget can help. Crystal has previously worked as a writer and editor for GoodTherapy. Her fields of interest include Asian languages and literature, Japanese translation, cooking, natural sciences, sex positivity, and mental health.
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